My Thoughts on Fat

I just came in from spending a good 30 minutes out on the treadmill in my garage. Yes, I said “good.” Those of you who know me…well, I’ll give you a few seconds to pick your jaws up off the floor.

All my life, I’ve been fat. At least, in my head. Here’s me in high school:

See how fat I am? I was pretty consistently a size 8, and 130-140 pounds. Size 8 is SO HUGE. Holy cow. No really, COW. Because compared to my friends, some of whom barely cracked 100 pounds or even fit into junior sizes, I was huge. I felt fat every day of my life, and that is no exaggeration. It didn’t help that I was told that nearly every day of my junior high career, but that’s a whole other story.

Here’s me a couple of weeks before I got married.

It was the skinniest I’d ever been in my life. I could fit into a size 6, on occasion. I believe I was 132 pounds. I looked pretty rockin’. And I knew I looked good. However, I’d been subsisting on saltine crackers and a little Pasta-Roni for about 6 months. I occasionally had a 1 oz bag of Chee-tos and 32 oz or so of Diet Pepsi for lunch. I couldn’t believe I was staying in “such great shape” while eating such crap food; I laughingly called it the “Chee-tos” diet. Guess what? I was eating about 1,000 calories a day. So, shocker.

But I sure wasn’t exercising.

Let’s be honest: I have always despised exercise. I took ballet classes for years as a kid, but I was no prima ballerina, and really, in high school it was just another excuse to feel fat compared to my peers. I discovered as a teenager that I was great at weight-lifting, but somehow that seemed like a sure way to repel boys. At home, I was surrounded by great examples of exercise: Mom and Dad worked out daily and were the kind of people who “missed” working out when they had to skip a couple of days. Who the bleep misses exercise? I couldn’t figure it out. I just did not enjoy it.

As a result, I spent most of the time in between those two pictures boomeranging between being thin (still “fat!”) and about 50 pounds heavier, and it just got worse after I got married. I put on 50 pounds of “Oh yay, we’re married and happy!” fat. Then I got pregnant. I clung to the 20 pounds of extra weight I was left with after pregnancy #1, and just for kicks, I threw on another 50. Keep in mind, this did all take about 6 years to put on, but…yeah. In the end, I was more than 100 pounds overweight.

After a while, I did manage to lose about 45 pounds as the side effect of a medication I was prescribed. It was great! I was on a roll! And then I got pregnant again. Haha. The joke was on me.

Luckily, this time, the baby weight–all 40 pounds of it–came right back off without too much effort, but I’m still way heavier than I’d ultimately like to be. I have to be straight here: I am OK with my weight now. I am OK with my body. It is not beautiful, in a fashion/glamor sense, but it is beautiful in the fact that it’s generally healthy and really quite strong, and I am so grateful to have this amazing machine. It’s been several years since I have wasted any time feeling badly or insecure about how I look. I know how I look, and I don’t bother comparing myself to others. I know how to dress myself to look my best, and my face is as pretty as it’s ever been. So I don’t worry about it much.

However, there is a part of me that’s just…over it. I’m kinda tired of looking this way and not the way I do in my head. You know? I’m not the least bit interested in how others perceive me–it’s just about being more healthy and more strong, and not being the 30-something overweight mommy anymore. I’m ready to be the best version of me. That may not turn out to look anything like the pictures up above. I don’t think I’ll ever be 132 pounds again, and I am so alright with that. But I’m ready to do the work I have to do to be better. And I think this is the key.

I am almost 35 years old. I know everything there is to know about dieting, and honestly, what it comes down to for me is calories in and exercise. I have known that for a very long time, but the long and short of it is: you have to be ready. You have to want to do it, and there is no outside motivation on earth that can help you or push you or encourage you if you are not there yet. I have been overweight for almost 10 years now, and it’s only now that I can finally say: I’m ready. I’m willing to do it. And here’s the shocking, amazing thing I have learned: I. AM. ACTUALLY. ENJOYING IT.

Let me know when you’ve picked yourselves back up off the floor. 🙂 Hahaha.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “My Thoughts on Fat

  1. I’m definitely one who misses working out because I’ve learned to love that time as “space out” time. I don’t usually listen to music or watch TV, but run or walk and mentally solve all the problems that ail me that day. 🙂

    I also started using My Fitness Pal iPhone app to track calories – very easy and helpful! You put in how much you want to lose and how fast you want to lose it, and it tells you how many calories to eat each day.

    For what it’s worth, I had no idea you had gained that much. I think in my head you have always been the 130 – 140 lb “Jenny Read” from high school.

    Like

  2. You rock. I’m so frakkin’ proud of you – not only for getting on the treadmill – but for being comfortable in your own skin enough to be able to attack what YOU think is a problem, and not what OTHER people think is a problem.

    Like

  3. Less food, more exercise… that fad diet, it’ll never last! :sarcasm:

    I’m back to the point where I really notice it if I miss a day’s workout. I don’t know how much I weigh. I don’t care how much I weigh.

    I know I have no intention of buying bigger trousers. I want to be able to go up four flights of stairs without wheezing. I want to feel good, I want to feel strong.

    I can do this. You can do this too.

    :insertcheerleadericonhere:

    Like

  4. Good job, Jen! I am so proud of your attitude, more than anything. I wish I could finally put to rest the monster that is my self-esteem issue. I always thought I was fat as a teen, too. Ironically I was topping out at 100 lbs, then! If only I could go back in time and relish the time in my skinny body, KNOWING it was my skinny body, right?
    Now that I really AM overweight, it seems to consume me. Even so, I can’t seem to permanently make the changes I need to. Hate it. I think your self-actualization is a big factor in your future success! Share your journey! Woot woot, you are awesome!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s